I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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