Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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