I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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