somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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