My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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