my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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