i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
