I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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