Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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