How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
