I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
