cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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