she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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