I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
