Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I enjoy the company of your penis
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
