Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
