Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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