She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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