i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
