Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
