when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
