I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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