the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
