when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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