Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
