3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
