I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
