Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
