i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
