I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
