just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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