jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
