I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
