i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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