I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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