If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
