before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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