How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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