thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
