You tried to poop in the sink last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
