tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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