he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
