Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
