Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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