I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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