the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
