It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
