I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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