"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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