mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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