every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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