my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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