My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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